At every convention, many stories are fabricated and repeated just for the fun of it. But, in some cases, the true stories are more revealing than the fictitious ones. One of the fictitious ones, reported in the Fall 1994 issue of that glossy periodical (Jugglers World, p. 30), was that Tom of the Renegades originally purchased the bottle of Albert Lucas wine, which was subsequently autographed by Albert and sold at the IJA auction for about $40. In fact, I bought the bottle of wine in Boston where Albert Lucas Blanc and Albert Lucas Rouge is sold for $4.99 per bottle.
Albert Lucas is from the Laboure-Roi vineyard in France, and has respectable character (meaning the wine, of course...).
I gave the bottle to the Renegades (as a prank gift) in hopes that they would reciprocate with a free ticket to the cruise. In addition, I donated a bowling ball to the auction which Braidy Brown, the auctioneer, sold as the "Dan Bennett Face Catch Bowling Ball" after Dan autographed it.
Setting the story straight,
Dear Professor Pontius,
So... did you get the free cruise?
Dear Two Ply,
I am shocked and dismayed that you misprinted my last letter to your rag. I was quoted as saying "Eat me." Does this sound like something I would actually write or say? I think not... perhaps your "crack" team of researchers should stop using it and verify the authenticity of letters sent in before printing them in a respected international publication (or Two Ply Press). You're lucky my lawyers are tied up in the OJ Simpson case, or they'd squash you like a bug.
The fact is, my letter actually read "Eat me, please."
The only reason I am not canceling my subscription is because entertainment doesn't get any better than that whole Jay Gilligan / Artistic thing you printed a while back.
P.S. Beer sucks.
Dear Two Ply Press,
Where can I get one of those cool cartons of Scope as featured on your March, 1995 front cover? Just what kind of cow gives Scope? And, just how long does it keep in the fridge?
With baited breath,