By The Carpet Man

(Editor's note: This column contains rumors in the purest sense of the word and the opinions of one demented mind; this guy is one sick puppy. The following ravings are presented for your entertainment only with no claims of total, partial, or even minimal validity. In other words, we don't take this stuff seriously and neither should you. With that firmly in mind, we present this month's crud column:)

In the category of "The Act Is So Quick When The Mochen's On Top" comes a reported-by-sources event so rude, it could only be done by that Dude With A 'Tude.

Yes, my Fans of Filth, it seems that none other than Michael Moschen agreed to perform three segments at a benefit entitled "Laughing Matters" in Philadelphia for the Movement Theater International. Cries of delight echoed through the halls of News Central when the announcement was made and word flew in all directions like clothes at a Hawaiian Juggling Fest. Within moments, the masses crowded the big-screens with their lawnchairs and lanterns, ready to wait with the rest for more news of the best. Suddenly, the murmur of the masses turned to a roar of delight as more info became known: the treasure chest of talent would be topped-off by none-other than Bob Berkey and Avner The Eccentric. The line-up was rare (much like a Ren-Faire juggler with jokes of his own...) and pro-jugglers and wanna-be's alike toasted the trio, hoping in unison for a show like no other.

On the night that was right, each Fan of The Man packed Annenberg Center (the place to see grace) with high expectations and a ticket in tow (to the tune of 24 big-ones. A high price, no doubt, but unlike these Golden Pages, you can't "gym-bag" the Mikester for a pass-around fest...).

So where is the Crud that made Moschen a dud, you ask? Carpie's glad you did.

If Carpie's spies are correct (and your Author In Action sheds a crud-stained tear of delight thinking that they are...) it seems a Moschen-Commotion was made over an MC named "Patch" (who, Carpie agrees, should have been sewn permanently onto the backside of life...). According to sordid sources, in a Rush Limbaugh deja vu', the Horrible Host lost track of time as he quoted himself and read from his own ramblings between every act. The masses grew discontent, but they knew that Moschen was due.

Unfortunately, Mighty Mike was retching more than the rest. In fact, My Fans of Filth, sources report that our Dude With A 'Tude deemed the pathetic poetry "inappropriate," ranting and raving backstage like a newborn sans milk. In the end, Not-So-Mature Mikey lashed out at the only people possible: he short-changed the masses by one third of their passes. Yes, my Fans Of Filth, no matter how big a fan, no matter how steep the price, if Mighty Mike doesn't get his way, he'll only toss twice. He performed his "Balls" and "Fire" routines, but dropped "Energy" entirely.

Carpie has just one question: with all of Mighty Mike's constant commentary about originality, ethics, and doing one's best, whatever happened to "the show must go on?"